Issue number 51
Saturday, December 09, 2000

The Question about Searching
by Jack Rinella

This email means it must be time again to answer the age-old question
about finding a significant other: "My slave of 9 years has moved on, and
I am trying to find a new live-in slave to train, any race, 18 - 40 years
old. Do you have any suggestions about how to go about it, without
spending thousands of dollars on the Internet?"

First off, know thyself. Successful relationships are built between people
who are aware of themselves and what they want out of life. If youíre not
ready for a long-term commitment, admit it. If there are questions about
what you want for yourself and what you actually want in a partner, answer
those questions before you "fall in love," not afterward.

An important part of this process is knowing your priorities.
Unfortunately we often fool ourselves into thinking we want one thing
while we actually want another. Is your career more important, for
instance, than your relationships? Are there pressing family matters that
come before your finding a mate? Do you love the tranquility of the
country so much you wonít move to city to find love? Know your priorities.
Be honest about them. Then decide what really matters most to you.

2. "Come out." Depending upon your sexual orientation, your fantasy life,
and your neighborhood, coming out means many different things. It doesnít
necessarily mean that you become a flaming homo radical or wear a hood and
harness to work. What it does mean is that there is a modicum of honesty
in your life and you are honest enough with yourself and your potential
partners that you can build a healthy relationship. I will be among the
first to admit that a person in the closet, be they gay, het, or bi, can
find a partner. Itís just easier to find one in the living room or
kitchen.

3. Look locally. Iíve met a couple of my partners in bars, two at a party,
and several on line. Some have been introduced to me by friends, and one
or two through classified ads, so Iím not going to say thereís just one
place to meet Mr. Right. I have found, though, that a person who lives
within driving distance is much more likely to enter into a relationship
with you than one who has to ante up for a plane ticket every time he or
she wants to see you.

If your neighborhood is just completely unfriendly, consider moving to one
that is. All those who live in Podunk and are happy are in the right
place; those who complain about their locale have no one to blame but
themselves. It all depends, after all, on your priorities.

4. Overturn every stone. Self-fulfilling prophecies and self-limiting
expectations are curses on finding a successful relationship. Just because
you think you must absolutely find a specific person or that thereís no
chance you will ever find so and so in such and such a way, doesnít mean
that youíre right. Finding a lover, slave, partner, significant other, or
whomever your searching for is a numbers game. It always has been and
always will be. Place lots of bets or youíll never hit the jackpot.

5. Check your requirements. Nobody is perfect and if your ideal is really
ideal, then youíre on the wrong quest. Saying something like 18-40 only
means that if a young-looking, young-acting 41 year old comes along, youí
re going to miss the boat. Itís Ok to say you never date anyone under the
age of 30, but that eliminates an awful lot of people. Yes, youíre going
to have requirements. Just be certain that the threshold isnít so high you
will never find someone who gets over it.

6. Check your qualifications. OK, handsome sweet-heart. What do you have
to offer? Put less kindly, what improvements do you need to make in
yourself before you are lover-material? Be honest with yourself. Yes,
there are all sorts who like all kinds, but your negatives arenít going to
make it any easier, even for your soul mate. What are you doing to
eliminate them?

7. Unload baggage. This means everything from your prejudices and hang-ups
to your attic and your garage. If you want to change your life, make the
changes that youíre going to have to make before Ms. Heart-string comes
along. Make room for his or her stuff.

If itís a psychological issue, get counseling. Ask your doctor for advice.
If you canít ask your doctor, get another doctor. If there are no doctors,
move to where you can find one. Try Kink Aware Professionals, too.

8. Get help. This is a wide open piece of advice and I donít just mean to
see a shrink. I struggled for years to find a slave. Finally I asked Bobby
to write the ad for me and Patrick showed up a month later. Ask friends,
ask a counselor, discuss with people who know you what they think needs to
be done.

9. Advertise. Number eight is as much the same advice. By getting help,
youíll be getting the word out. Get yourself out as well. Staying at home
isnít going to bring anyone knocking at your door with a partnership
proposal. Where to go? Try church, try volunteering, try the gym, try
joining clubs. Learn to play euchre, bridge, or pinochle. Place and answer
classifieds both in print and on the web. Even if you hate the bars, go to
them.

10. Answer all queries. At least have the courtesy to say "No, thanks,"
but be slow to say no. Give the other person a chance to prove theyíre
what youíre looking for. Give them the benefit of the doubt. You really
donít have that much to lose and you might be surprised by what you find.

11. Look in the right places. This is a repetition of number three. Yes,
you may have to relocate. There were lots of reasons for me to leave Ft.
Wayne and move to Chicago. Finding love was one of them. Also, if youíre
looking in the closet youíll only find old clothes. Donít look at work.
Donít look at people who are partnered. Donít look in the wrong kind of
churches, temples, synagogues, or mosques. You get the idea. Look in the
right places. If you donít know where they are, go back to number eight
and ask.

12. Act early. Patrick keeps reminding me that I spend way too much time
talking to a potential partner, especially if the discussion is on line.
Arrange a face-to-face meeting sooner rather than later. Thereís nothing
as helpful as shaking hands, looking each other in the eyes, and sharing a
meal. Phone lines, either by computer or by voice, are no substitute for
actually meeting. If you canít find a way to meet, there never will be a
real relationship.

13. Negotiate as equals. No matter what kind of relationship you are
seeking, you are both free individuals with equal worth and fantasies
worthy of fulfillment. Even wannabe masters and slaves must first meet as
equals. If there is no equality in your initial conversations, the
relationship is headed for trouble and ought to be avoided.

14. Relax. Itís common wisdom and true that most people enter into
long-term relationships when they least expect it. Time and again Iíve
known people, myself included, who have racked themselves silly looking
for a partner, only to finally find one when they literally gave up the
search. Relax. Enjoy yourself and donít worry. When the time is right, Mr.
or Ms. Right will appear.

15. Be ready. Most of those who are single are single by choice and by the
fact that they are not ready for a relationship, even if they think they
are. Do what is necessary to be ready. Make yourself ready. Then it will
happen, and probably not before.

For more ideas about relationships, visit my website and look under the
heading "kinky info." And by the way, if you want to spend thousands of
dollars on the internet to find a slave, let me know. Iíll help you find a
slave for half that much.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com
or visit my website at www.LeatherViews.com

Copyright 2000 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

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