It seems to me that one of the biggest problems that we kinky folks share involves our (mis)use of language. As a subculture we have taken Standard American English and used it for our own purposes. I'm sure our kinky friends around the world have done much the same with their native tongues as well.
It's reasonable, of course, to do so, after all it's the language that we speak. Too often, though, the appropriation distorts the meaning in such a way that it ceases to be the language that we understand.
Take, for instance, the rather simple noun "boy" and try to define it according to the usage kinky folk place on it. Almost everywhere in America boy generally refers to a young male of the species. As far as I can recall the only place it doesn't refer to the male of the species is in our culture where it is used as a word that can be applied to male or female.
If that were not bad enough, it is used for both those in the condition of voluntary servitude as well as those who are in a Daddy-boy relationship. In common SM usage, we have taken a word that has a clear meaning and so obfuscated it that its meaning becomes totally lost unless we know the relationship that the "boy" has.
Likewise, in our community, a slave isn't really a slave, he is a person in a relationship of voluntary servitude, much closer to a butler or maid than to the chattel of ancient Rome. Our form of sadism isn't "a perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the infliction of pain on others," but rather the deriving of pleasure by inflicting pleasurable pain on those who consent to the activity.
The right use of words is, as one can see above, often difficult to do. We would be hard pressed to go around calling our slaves "volunteer servants," but that would certainly make our communications more clear.
If this indiscriminate use of words doesn't make for enough difficulty, we often make matters worse by appropriating titles to ourselves or giving them to others when the relationships they indicate are non-existent. Far too many people call themselves master or slave when they are not in such a relationship. There are way too many boys, who are relationshipless but who, by the appropriation of that title, indicate by the words they use that they are someone's boy, when in fact that is their hope or goal, not their present reality.
In usual usage, the word husband, for instance, indicates a man in a marital relationship with a woman. A groom, even in the minutes before the ceremony is not yet a husband. He is a groom. If the word husband is applied to him, it is as "husband-to-be" indicating that the relationship is planned by not yet actuated.
Likewise, upon the ending of the relationship, the man ceases to be a husband and is now either an "ex-husband," or a "widower." Standard usage helps clarify meaning, something our rather sloppy appropriation of terms fails to do.
So we find that confusion and misunderstanding are often part and parcel of our scene.
A recent question illustrates my point. "I seriously believe that I am a potential slave, and I seriously believe that I am not a masochist. I've enjoyed mild SM, and can envision pushing my limits (how far???) in the context of a committed relationship, but am I being naive to see myself as a slave if I am not a masochist, Sir?"
This reader assumes that submission and masochism go hand in hand when in fact they are two completely separate concepts. There are lots of masochists who are in no way submissive and I'm sure there are plenty of subs who don't enjoy pain for its own sake. Unfortunately our use of language doesn't at all make that clear.
This abuse of vocabulary is probably one of the most difficult of problems our community suffers. The fact that we have so obstructed our communications make negotiations much more difficult.
The problem isn't limited to words. I've noticed, for instance, how many people have decided that they are free to where a slave collar just because they want to. Ok, saying this make me sound like a hard-ass son of bitch, but I believe that collars indicate a present and real relationship and that to wear one when that relationship is not present is to communicate a meaning that is not true.
It is no different than stealing someone's club badge and wearing it so that people think you are a member of that club. Just because you think it 's hot or stylish or makes you look good doesn't justify the false communication. There are other ways to clearly signal one's aspirations without creating a false impression.
I make a strong distinction between protocols and values. Protocols are a way of expressing values but they are not values in and of themselves. It is here that we can best understand the "Old Guard."
What made the Old Guard special was not any one set of protocols, as protocols vary greatly according to personal taste, geography, and history. Values, on the other hand, were and should be much more pervasive and commonly accepted.
Whereas there are many ways to show respect, and how one does show may be highly individualized, what is important is not the method but the fact that it is shown. I guess this is my big beef. What makes our community strong are the values that we share. Those values transcend gender, relationship, fetish, and orientation.
Honesty is honesty, just as trustworthiness, self-respect, courtesy, patience, individuality, care, and deference are what they are. To teach newbies our techniques and our rituals without passing on to them our values does nothing to preserve or enhance our lifestyle or our scene.
To use language indiscriminately communicates nothing, since the transfer of meaning is at the heart of good communication. If the meaning is lost, or worse if the meaning is purposely distorted, then the heart of our community is injured, if only in a single individual. Over time, the slide into sloppy language and too casual signaling will reduce our community to Babel and we, like those of ancient days, will disperse in confusion.
The antidote, of course, is to say what you mean and mean what you say. It's really as simple as that.
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For a better view of our culture, I suggest "Ties That Bind" by Guy Baldwin. This excellent book addresses relationships, our community, the SM experience, and personal transformation.
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