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The Primary Dynamic in Good SM
by Jack Rinella

I'll be the first to admit that there is a wide range of attributes that
make for good sex. Emotional, physical, intellectual, and experiential
qualities improve or detract from the act of sex in all its forms. I state
that with the understanding that SM is a form of sex, even if there isn't
penetration, orgasm, or genital contact.

To try and isolate one quality among many and call it primary is dangerous
and I certainly wouldn't want to be taken literally here, as there may be
lots of other aspects to good sex that need to be considered. I suppose I
should re-title this column "One of the Primary Dynamics of Good SM," but
I won't. Instead I'll just warn you not to take this as gospel, just as (I
hope) one good idea among many.

My experience shows that underlying the sexual act in all its diversity is
a strong correlation between control and surrender. Let me begin with
defining those terms. Dynamic refers to "Of or pertaining to energy,
force, or motion in relation to force;" control is "To exercise authority
or dominating influence over; direct, regulate;" and surrender is "To
relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or
compulsion; to give up in favor of another."

As Mom taught me, "It takes two to tango." In SM, then, it takes a balance
between control and surrender to direct the energy of two people in
(sexual) motion. In this case motion can refer to a wide range of fetish
and sexual activity. This scenario does not infer an either/or situation.
Though there may be relationships wherein one is in greater control and
the other in greater surrender, there is nothing in this equation that
denies the reality that both partners may be in control to some degree
while simultaneously surrendering in some way to the other.

I am taking this line of reasoning because we too often think that good
technique makes for good SM, without understanding that technique is only
one of the qualities which we need to possess. Without good technique we
are going to be at a significant disadvantage. On the other hand it seems
to me that we often miss the best experiences because we forget that there
are serious attitudinal aspects to what we BDSMers do. Our largest sex
organ is, after all, our brain. The best sex is all about getting two
"brains" in sync.

Control involves technique, as the better the technique the better is one'
s ability to control. The better I control a whip or paddle, the better
the scene. Likewise the better I control my body, my hips, my genitals, my
voice, and my hands, not meaning to leave out all the rest, the better
will be the experience. There is an important relationship between the
physical and the attitudinal here as well, as the better attitude improves
our physical movement and improved physical movements improves our
attitude.

Surrender, too, is a form of technique as there are specific actions that
one can take that both creates and maintains "surrender." Inspired by the
good control that our partner demonstrates we are then freed to surrender,
which in this case involves relaxation, affirming responses, and a
submission (placing under) of oneself to the other.

There is more to this dynamic than just physical technique. For that
reason mutual trust becomes a necessary element. Without it there can be
real difficulty in attaining the kind of surrender, and hence control,
that optimizes SM.

I am not sure what words to use here as there is some kind of psychic
connection between partners that we often fail to consider. For good
reason we have a strong hesitation about surrender as there are common
barriers that we maintain around our selves. Life has shown us they are
necessary, helpful, and ubiquitous. Finding ways to lower them is probably
a life-long search that begins within oneself.

There is an important message in the last paragraph. Good sex begins with
you, not your partner. Certainly your partner is part of the equation but
knowing yourself, your true desires, and allowing yourself to own them
without fear, guilt, or shame is critical to making sex "good." This
applies to both tops and bottoms.

Tops have to own their ability to control and accept their role of
directing and regulating. It isn't easy to overcome our cultural biases
and embrace domination and mastery, even if we're not in a Master/slave
relationship. There's going to be as much control and surrender (though in
different degrees and ratios) between two versatile, equal partners, as
between the most controlling dominants and their submissives.

Likewise bottoms will have the best experiences when they are able to "let
go." This is easier said than done but as partners get to know each other
and have trust-building experiences, mutual surrender becomes more
possible and the outcome more pleasurable.

Putting good sex in terms of control and surrender runs the risk of
inferring that these attributes are sole, when they are not. The kind of
control to which I refer has a certain flexibility to it, even as
surrender needs to maintain a degree of initiative and zealousness. Just
demanding doesn't work, nor does just maintaining some high degree of
passivity, instead there is a reciprocal kind of dynamic at work. As in
playing on a see-saw, the lower one goes, the higher the other can be.
Resistance on one's part is necessarily a limit for the other.

Flogging presents a good example. The better I can control the whip, the
environment, and myself, the better I am able to create an intense
dynamic, a flow of energy between myself and my partner. Likewise his or
her surrender encourages me to go further, to increase the intensity of my
flogging. Control here involves a rather complete awareness of the various
signals, i.e., vocal, physical, and intuitive, that my bottom sends me.
Control is good listening, good watching, and good "feeling." Control is
being able to tune out the rest of the world so that my focus is carefully
attuned to the moment.

Likewise, my bottom's ability to surrender (or not) creates his
communication to me. It also allows him to transmute the pain into
pleasure, to take more and therefore "go deeper." Resistance such as
tenseness, fear, and doubt will constrict the flow of energy between us,
send a negative form of communication, and keep us both from the highest
forms of pleasure.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or
visit my website at "http://www.LeatherViews.com". Copyright 2002 by Jack
Rinella, all rights reserved.

* * * * * *

Dean Waldrat has announced that he will conduct Masters' Retreat V in
Chicago Nov 8-10. Both Master Steve Sampson and I will be facilitating.
For more information go to http://www.leathernetwork.com/masters