"Sir:" he writes, "it has read your books and has been in bondage before. it lives in San Francisco. it is pleasant to look at, built tough and needs to be trained by a tough Master who will work its body as his property. Bondage, tt, cbt, and extensive anal work makes it understand what pain and control is. it wants to learn more about electricity and catheters as part of new training and control. it has masochistic tendencies and longs for a Master to serve who will inflict control, but it does not know how to locate or approach such a Master. it hopes you, Sir, might know some Dominant Master in the bay area who can take control of its training. it needs someone to push it to its limits and make it fulfilled in having someone to serve. A Master who can discipline it, teach it, and use it as its Master sees fit. Sir, it has read and learned Your lessons and now wants to learn to please a Master. If, Sir, you know someone in the San Francisco area that may want to Master and control it, it would be forever in Your service. As this e-mail exposes its name and identity, Sir, it trusts your discretion and anonymity. Masters, if so desire, can contact me at -------."

With all due respect for my reader, it's obvious to me that he knows how to push all of my buttons. Since I'm in need of a topic for this week, please grant me the pleasure of spouting off a reply, which I hope will be helpful to everyone.

First off is the matter of "it." Not only does the use of the un-capitalized neuter pronoun in reference to a him drive Sister Mary Scholastica crazy, I don't take a liking to it either. Here's why: In every negotiation, the partners-to-be must approach one another on equal terms or the negotiation is going to be neither realistic nor successful.

Now if all you want is a one-night stand or a quick trick, pronouns don't matter. But if you want to begin and live a long term relationship or even a good friendship, then you've got to relate on a human to human level. The slave freely gives him or herself to the master who has no right to the slave, except by gift which he is free to choose or reject. If you start off on an uneven footing, there's only going to be trouble later on.

The it problem also ignores the fact that most people want human relationships. Now I know there are some people who are looking for pups, dogs, and ponies, but my reader doesn't put himself in that category. I think it's safe to say, too, that most masters and mistresses want human property of a specific gender or both genders as the case may be, not an it.

Besides, too, (am I on a roll or what?) the whole idea of it smacks loudly of poor self-image. We masters, as well as tops and switches, have little desire to be in a relationship with someone who thinks of themselves as being worthless. If you're worthless, why would I want you? Find your self-worth and be proud of what you have to offer.

My reader's masochism brings up another question. Is he looking for a master or for a sadist? We too often think that the two go hand-in-hand, when in fact they are completely different characteristics. I ask the question because how one answers it is significant. You see, the search is unclear. Is the guy looking for a master to use pain to control him or to pleasure him? Is he really looking to serve or does he in fact want to be served by a sadist who will make him feel good?

He writes about "inflict[ing] control." This idea lacks clarity as well. One can view slavery as coercive or as consensual. It cannot be both. If the man is looking for coercive slavery then he is not seeking a master. He longs for a jailer or a prison guard. Most masters seek men who will surrender, that is offer no resistance to their domination. I want you to be mine because you have come to me as a gift.

That's not to say that others aren't into wresting control from you. Some are. The problem is that we all need to know for what we seek.

His next request, that I help him locate a master in San Francisco, puts a smile on my face. The idea smacks of the wording that "there are no masters in Los Angeles" or "New York" or even "Chicago." Everyone, it seems wants to look someplace else. Indeed we often do find people in cities other than the one in which we live, but if you can't look around your own neighborhood, then you have a problem.

My reader's problem, of course, is outlined in the next sentence: "As this e-mail exposes its name and identity, Sir, it trusts your discretion and anonymity." My god if you're in the closet in SF, you've got a problem that I can't help. After all there aren't many gay-friendlier places anywhere. That's not to bad mouth discretion. Get a hotmail account that you can use freely, if you can't use your regular account. It's as simple as that.

On the other hand, if you want a real relationship, not just a cybersex one, get your fingers off the keyboard and your ass to some club parties. SF is full of places to meet real men looking for real relationships. If you are shy, get over it. I mean that. Shyness is just an excuse for the fact that you'd rather fantasize about that master than serve him.

I know I'm sounding hard-assed here and I don't mean to put off my correspondent. As a matter of fact I asked for his phone number so we could meet the next time I'm in the bay area. I'm willing to help. I'm always willing to help, but the problem is most people don't want help, they want instant gratification. There's a big difference between being in a relationship and saying you want to be in one. The difference is the willingness to change.

The last answer is the easiest. How do you meet the right person? Start looking. Let everyone know you're looking and don't let preconceived ideas about what they look like, where they live, or what they do interfere with your honest, active, and out-going search. Join groups. Go out to bars, to demonstrations, to play parties. Post ads and answer ads. It is, after all, a numbers game and unless you are willing to do anything and everything then you are ruining your chances to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

Most of all, though, you've got to be clear on what you want so you will be able to communicate your desires in ways they can be understood. When you go out, meet people. That probably means you should go out alone, because if you're with friends, it's harder to meet someone new. Start conversations. Introduce yourself. Buy strangers beers. Be friendly. If you can't, then stop what you're doing and figure out what's stopping you. Know yourself first, then get to know your new significant other.

That ought to keep you busy for the New Year. Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com
Copyright 2002 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

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