If nothing else, Leather can be said to offer us choices. Within our subculture there is a plethora of opportunities that include every fetish you can imagine, every orientation you might want to try, and every variation on a theme that is possible. That is, of course, what makes Leather so much fun and so accessible to so many people. When I write that it allows you to "Be all you can be," I'm serious. Nowhere else can you find so many ways to make even your most erotic fantasies come true.

Yes indeed, Leather is about choices. A recent email highlights that fact: "I was married, had two children, and was a minister. [Sounds familiar doesn't it?] My coming out meant the loss of all of those things. That loss is still felt but pales in comparison to the freedom of being honest to myself, to others and to the world. The freedom of not living a lie is, in some ways, inexplicable to those who have not experienced it. Yesterday, an online acquaintance asked me how I could have freely and willingly have given up so much. I attempted to explain it to him but failed. Your column prompted me to ask how you would answer that question. If you have a moment to share your thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. Sincerely, P. A."

When the holidays hit I often get sentimental about the "good old days," when we all met a Mommy Rose's house for dinner. It meant great food, lots of presents (mostly clothes and money), time with my cousins, and a penny-ante poker game with the adults. It doesn't happen that way anymore.

We've all grown and moved and made choices, many of which weren't as easy as we would have liked. P.A. asks a good question. How and why do we make those life-changing decisions? How do we Leather folk get to live the life of our fantasies?

I think there are three fundamental considerations that need to be addressed as we become, grow, and live as Leather folk. They are self-image, expectations, and inertia.

In spite of appearances, Leather is first and foremost about relationships. Oh I know we think it's about fantasy-fulfillment or fetish or sexual release, and it is all of that as well, but without each other, and the kinky relationships we develop, it's really not much of a Leather experience.

The first relationship of any importance is the relationship we have with ourselves. What, for instance, do you think of yourself? Do you love yourself? Care for yourself? Know yourself? Those important questions aren't only answered in your head. There are important physical, emotional, and social answers to those questions as well.

No one is going to love you if you don't love you. Oh lots of people will try but you will continually sabotage their efforts. Your lack of confidence will make you doubt their every move and question their every motive. You will find ways to hide the person you don't like, covering the real you with some "acceptable" you that you think will be liked.

The result, of course, is that you end up screwing up every relationship you begin, because it's not based on the real you. The self you love must be the real you, the one under all the psychological baggage, self-hated, loathing, pretense, and accommodation to what others want you to be. One's willingness to do (literally) anything to have a relationship won't make it happen. Instead being real, to yourself and others, will.

That presupposes that you know the real you, the free, unencumbered, honest you that you are meant to be, which unfortunately may not be the one you were raised to be. I wish I had a dollar for every time my mother reminded me that she and my dad didn't raise me to be the way I am. "Who did?" I quickly ask.

As a matter of fact they did raise me to love myself and to be honest with myself and others. It was this "honesty" lesson that led me to know that I wasn't the normal hetero husband and father. I learned late and with difficulty that the real me was different than what I had been taught to be. Like my correspondent, it was only by accepting and loving the real me that I could find real happiness by living what and who I am.

Wrapped up in this self-love idea is the concept of self-image. How do you see yourself? Do you think of yourself as adventuresome, capable, resourceful, loveable, likeable, as someone who is wanted, appreciated, and thought well of? Or do you think you are un-worthy, cheap, different, ugly, unacceptable?

A great part of my Leather experience has made me relinquish the image I had and accept a different me. I am no longer the skinny, buck-toothed kid who was always the last to be chosen for sand lot baseball. I'm no longer called by nicknames that hurt, or have feelings of inferiority, or a fear that I will never be part of the "in crowd."

Instead I see myself as loveable, acceptable, and according to a real good plan, my plan, the manifestation of the real me. I bet you can tell I'm on a roll this week. I am, so I'll enjoy it until the next emotional crash.

Of course changing my self-image meant that I had to change my expectations as well. I had to redefine what I expected out of life and what I was expected to give back. It meant becoming open to new possibilities, new agendas, new experiences. I had to say "Yes" to a universe of potentials, accepting those that were faithful to me and reflected an honest self-image, while declining those that would force me into roles for which I had no yearning.

All this sounds good enough but the third consideration is the "kicker." No matter how badly we think we want something, be it a relationship or hot scene or new vest, inertia always makes it easier to do without. Getting from where we are to where we want to be takes changing. For a hunk of gold ore to become a beautiful ring takes digging, crushing, smelting, refining, melting, casting, and polishing, none of which are easy on the metal. Want to be a daddy or a princess or slutty bottom? How willing are you to change? And is what you think you want the real you?

As the New Year comes around it's a good time to look in the mirror and see who you really are, making an effort to let the real you become more alive. Those transformations aren't always easy but the result is a better life. This Christmas will certainly be different from the ones past, but the truth is that this Christmas is the way I want it to be, honest, forthright, and with people who love me. I hope your holidays are the same.